Right, so, this. Hee!
Uh. Lately I've been hypersensitive to criticism of my music. It's really strange. I was thrilled when jes5199 was critical of the first line of "Recent Scars", since I honestly didn't know whether it was good enough or not and it was a relief to know that it wasn't.* And, hell, ibm5_25 has about a year's worth of picking apart just about every song I've ever done, and I've never had much of a problem with that. In fact, I've loved it. But lately, I just haven't been able to handle it. Not long ago, glowing_fish described my stuff as "sedative", which I of course assumed to mean "dull and soporific". I didn't say how that made me feel, but the look on my face must have, because he emailed me later to explain that he'd meant it as a compliment. "I tend to be a jumpy, excitable person," he said, "so anything that can make me sit still and think for 20 minutes is quite good."
That interpretation just hadn't occurred to me at all. I generally don't need any help sitting still and thinking -- it's the getting up and doing that I seem to have trouble with -- and so I hadn't realized that he was actually giving me a pretty big compliment.
I apologized to Derksen about the hypersensitivity (after jumping down his throat for yet another music thing), and told him that I didn't know why it was happening. He responded:
If I could hazard a two-second guess based on very little true understanding of you as a person, it would be that your life is undergoing a number of dramatic changes in focus as you move ever so slightly away from the music you love as a full-time proposition to embracing a graduate program in computer science?
He's right. The language he's using is a little precious, but the idea is dead on.
* Last night it turned into something like "I redecide hourly if you're self-aware", but that's a pretty distorted way of saying what I mean by it, which is: "Either you're this amazing and you really have no idea, or you're completely aware of it and just faking like you aren't; I can't figure it out, but either way it's a mindfuck." If I could figure out a way to shoehorn that whole concept into one line, it would be a great way to set up the song, but it's not the sort of concept that takes well to shoehorning. Besides, I need something that transitions into "all angles and eyelashes" a little more smoothly. And anyway, "redecide" is such a good word that I feel it would be wasted in that spot. Because I can't have more than one song with "redecide".**
** Can you tell why I never fucking finish a song?