At Gardner shows, people always dance around wildly, slam into each other, and basically show total disregard for everything. I never understood it before tonight. I never understood the joy, the ridiculous joy of being surrounded by friends -- the people on the stage, the people in back of you in the crowd, the ones on either side of you, the ones circulating all around you, upstairs and downstairs and all around in the building you're in, in the hallways and the loggias, the streets of town, driving out across the prairie expansiveness, in the cities, the small towns, the farms, the suburban streets -- maybe you don't know them, but you are all alive and sentient and capable of Lebenslust and that gives you more in common than most of the matter in the universe, and the band plays and this is your friend standing there, the guy you told a year ago how much you love this band or the girl you burned a CD for or the guy, oh, yes, the guy who started quoting the lyrics to you one day out of nowhere, which is such a great story that you tell it to Elizabeth later, when you talk, and she almost knew your name but got it wrong, when she said from the stage that she was planning to meet up with you tonight, and when you find out later that by Laura she meant Lindsey it makes your whole night. And maybe there's not a good way to express these things, but words sure as hell won't do, so yeah, I'm going to put my arms around you and pull you this way and that way and shoulder and elbow you and fight as hard as I can to make you understand, any way I can, how joyful it is that we're capable of experiencing joy, how in love I am with being alive and knowing it.
There's more to talk about. I want to talk about band practice and drunken Trivial Pursuit. I want to talk about Spem in alium. I want to talk about all the amazing people I know, and about getting it, finally getting that fucking proof. I want to talk about people with integrity like I want to someday have. I want to talk about people who are so completely sure of themselves that when they do that to you, you know they mean exactly that. I want to talk about last night, a night that, incidentally, ended with Amanda hiamanda's dress crumpled up on my floor (but it's not what you think, really!). Maybe I'll talk about all this stuff later. But I probably won't. Instead, I'll probably just say that it's spring and I am so ridiculously in love with the whole world at this moment that I can't stand another second of being away from it just to write about it.